Birthdays

Wayne would have been 36 this year. I spent the day with mom and dad. We were renovating their newest project. Of course they would never forget the day and I new it was coming. I guess as a sibling our trigger points revolve around those with the great loss. We remember; we wade carefully; we prepare; we try our best to not interfere with the process without covering or attempting to divert the pain. As I watch them deal with the forever struggle I lash out at him for leaving me behind. He left me all alone to watch them grow old and to deal with his loss. I have a friend who lost his only sibling leaving him to cope with bereaved parents too. We recount to each other the hurt of standing by parents who are growing old too quickly; not handling the day-to-day simple things with any degree of certainty or fulfillment. We pled with ourselves to come with something to make the pain less without lossing the memories or taking away from the life. We joke about the "now perfect" angelic person who we can remember was a pain-in-the-ass more times than not. I'm sure even if our siblings did grow old with us they'd still be a pain-in-the-ass or maybe that was just what my brother was destine to be to me. Ha!
Siblings compete; at least we did or perhaps it was just me. Now, I'll never win an arguement or worse the "better kid" award 'cause 'he' will always be perfect now. And, I'm just, well, me. Ouch!
I have been very blessed. I try to remember to thank God several times a day for everything He has provided me, protected me from and graceously and mercifully not given me. Wonderful parents, husband, home, job, church, health, intelligent and a need for perfection streak that only the close ones can adore :-)
An close to the heart message reminded me that God protects those He loves and protects them from themselves oft times. Perhaps Wayne was headed for trouble with coming decisions in his life and God rescued him. It was God's time and it was perfectly done. We have to live with it however, and it sucks.
I'm 39 now; married to wonderful person who adores me and makes up for all my terrible flaws. I bitterly think about how Wayne never experienced this type of bliss and then remember, he knows bliss beyond everything I have ever felt combined. He is happier than I am and how can I be bitter about that. It still hurts terribly to watch those you love tear themselves apart over his loss but, it reminds me to make peace with my Maker; be prepared to leave at any moment and look forward to what lies ahead. Wayne is lucky. Sometimes it just sucks to be left behind remembering a memory.